Pros: Thandie Newton, may be too beautiful for even Hollywood
Cons: Weak, confusing, dull, stupid, boring plot; unintentionally cartoonish action sequences

At the risk of being exposed as a heretic at the twin altars of Cruise and Woo worship, I saw this film and was very, very disappointed. Had this movie been called "Ethan Hunt, International Man of Mystery" or something, then I would have had a different opinion.

But this movie is supposed to be Mission Impossible -- based on the original, tightly-plotted TV series. They screwed up all resemblance to the original show in the first movie, and with this one, they've now completely ruined the franchise. You messed up, Tom and John, you messed up.

In the original TV series, for those who don't remember, or don't know, the opening credits would start, that great theme music would kick in, an animated fuse would be lit and, as it burned across the screen, in less than 45 seconds, you'd get a quick montage of action scenes from the episode; you'd be prepared for what to expect. Next, the show would begin and you'd meet Mr. Phelps. He'd go someplace secluded, expose a hidden tape recorder, pull out a dossier or manila envelope. At that point he'd be given a very clear instructions about a very impossible espionage task he had to complete, from mysterious, never-seen superiors at Impossible Missions Force, the IMF. And let me emphasize the word clear, because the point is, if you watched the show, by the time you were 5 minutes into the program, you'd have an excellent bead on what was going to happen.

And the beauty of that format was that given an understanding of what was supposed to happen, you could handle the dramatic twists and turns when things inevitably went wrong. You were almost like a partner in the mission. At any rate, as a viewer you were respected ... information wasn't withheld from you, it was withheld from the characters in the story ... thus making their motivations more plausible and less opaque.

You were rarely confused about the motivations of the characters, because the story was always set up quickly and lucidly.

Now, here in MI2, they throw all of these tried and true narrative conceits out the window. And that would be okay, but if you do that, then don't call it "Mission Impossible!" In this movie, we have a villain who actually knows the main IMF agent, Ethan Hunt (Cruise), so the use of imposters, one of IMF's most potent weapons, is negated ... except in a couple of clever little sequences. In this movie, we have a "civilian" (the delicious Thandie Newton) join the IMF team. Yeah, sure, that would happen: a top-secret operation and you invite a stranger, who also happens to be a petty criminal? What? In this movie we actually meet a superior IMF officer, in the guise of a world-weary Anthony Hopkins (boy, talk about an easy pay-day for Sir Anthony, as he lumbers through five brief minutes of screen time). Where's the sense of mystery in that? Add it all up and what you end up with is a movie that has a crappy, ultra-convoluted plot, involving mutant viruses, and get this dotcommers, stock-options. This stupid plot, in turn, incubates a droning series of slickly-produced but ultimately ridiculous action sequences.

Again, if you're going to base a movie on what was always a plot-driven TV show, how about giving us a story, you know, with a beginning, a middle, and an end ... for goodness sake!

And on the action sequences, is it me, or do all John Woo movies look the same? I'm tired of hearing all of this blather about Woo as the master of action. If I have to see one more slow-motion explosion, I'm going to get sick. And trust me, during the motorcycle sequence towards the end of the movie, I was not the only one in the theater actually laughing out loud, as if to say: oh yeah, like they could really do that. Look, if you want to blow up a lot of stuff, and if you want Tom Cruise to show off all of his hulking 5-foot-8, 155-pound machismo, go ahead. Just don't call it "Mission Impossible" ... because it's not.

I understand that this film broke all sorts of box office records this weekend. And that's really sad, because to me, it just says that our collective taste in movies is getting lower, and lower, and lower. This was not a good film. Believe what you want, but there's no there there. I doubt you'll remember anything about this movie a week from now, and I'm straining to recall what happened after seeing it just yesterday.

I'll tell you a real mission impossible: getting my $5.75 back.