(Pre-show odds: 20-1)

Helen's the first of the four to get booted, and she deserves it, because she actually trusts Brian. That, in itself is a crime punishable by, um, being voted off. Ya think?

I asked Helen, "What did you do that makes you feel worthy of winning?"

"Well, Jeff," Helen began, "lots of reasons. I got the water. I did the cooking. I did the cleaning. I did the singing. I even got my husband to go fetch water too."

"Helen," I said, "If Survivor was a game about cooking, cleaning, and fetching water, it would be called Iron Chef. Thanks. We have some nice parting gifts. Next!"

(Pre-show odds: 4-1)

Granny's made it this far by doing something that castaways™ like Shii Ann and Robb couldn't do: she kept her mouth shut, except, of course when she was in the presence of dead baby vampire bats, or chickens, which she helped kill and cook. Then she'd just become a crying machine. But with four to go, she's the physically weakest of the four, and to think that she'll suddenly develop a mastermind mental strategy on Day 37 of a 39-day game is more than preposterous. I will eat a baked, giant Thai water roach if Jan goes farther than third place.

"What have you done to win this game, Jan?" I asked.

"I made sure the tribe stayed harmonious," Jan said, starting to cry. "And when little Oliver the bat died, I paid proper respects by burying him in mah payet cemetary. I never won an immunity, and that always makes people happy to have someone around that they can all beat."

"Jan," I said, "this isn't the Animal Channel. Thousands and thousands of animals die in the wild each year, and none of them get a cemetary burial. However, you will be buried by Brian and Clay. We do, however, have some very nice parting gifts. Next."

(Pre-show odds: 8-1)

The title of the final episode of the show is "Slip Through Your Fingers." Which contestant is associated with fingers? Wouldn't that be Brian, who ticked off his endgame options with, uh, his fingers? Granny, the "disposable" one, got the pinky. Helen, the "loyal soldier," got the ring finger. And good ol' Uncle Clay, the "friend," got the finger. But we all know it's King Brian who deserves it.

Plus, this is a show on broadcast TV, not cable. And we all know about the "movies" Brian used to do when he was younger. Sorry, King Brian, there's no porno on Survivor! The tribe has spoken.

"So, King Brian, I no this is probably a strange question, but what have you done that makes you think you'll win Survivor?" I said.

"Surely you joke, Jeff." Brian said. "I've control this game from day one. I am the kind, and these are my sheep. My sheep tremble in fear, afrain to do anything to upset me. But I move swift and shark-like, or is that wolf-like, when I need to. And I need to earn that money, so that I can keep my wife from beating me up while I'm taking a nap."

"Brian," I said, "if the jury buys that garbage, I'll quit the show and let Rosy O'Donnell host future Survivors. I know you wanted that truck that Ted took from you, but we do have some nice parting gifts. Buh-bye Brian."

(Pre-show odds: 5-2)

Clay will win by simple attrition. Brian will end up getting to the Final Two by stabbing Ted, and the Helen, in the back. That's two potential votes for Clay. And then we know Ken the Cop doesn't like Brian. Three votes for Clay. And then, if you watched the recap episode, we know that Clay was an admirer of Erin. A delicate, sensitive woman like Erin will probably remember Clay's compliments (e.g. "You have the best-looking behind in that there firelight honey, hoo-eee!") so that's four votes, and that's all you need. But Clay also courted Penny's vote, for safety, so that's five. Pretty much an open and shut case: Clay wins!

"Clay, why are you going to win Survivor?" I asked.

"Hooooo-eeee, Jeff, that's one hard question, but not really. I thought that your butt was about to overload your mouth. Now I could list off the reasons why I should win for the next twenty damn days, but I'll just give you one. I'm the smallest, and the oldest one left, but I'm a diamond in the rough, what they don't know. And in front of the jury, I'm gonna sparkle brighter than monkey piss in an open fire under a moonlit sky. That's a good 'nuff reason for me, boy. I know I look sexy. I know I look sexy!