BJP: Hey Ted, Are You Drunk?

Ted Rogers Jr., the 37-year-old software development manager from North Carolina, became the twelfth Castaway™ voted out of Survivor:Thailand, and the fifth person on the jury, where two seats remain to be filled. On Day 34, Ted found his long-time buddy, Brian, wavering a little in their long-standing alliance. On Day 35, he was booted, taking the walk of shame out of the game. Now, of course, a lot of things happened in between, but for Ted it all evaporated in the backwash of a massive hangover he developed from drinking too much wine the night before. You see, Ted doesn't normally drink. Or, at least, he shouldn't.

PRE-SHOW ODDS

Ted
7-2

• Type: Black Bald
• Fitness: Former NFL prospect is big, strong, and tough but he didn't make the gameday cut
• Style: Andre the Giant, only smaller, slightly
• X-Factor: Ted's physical presence is intimidating to the other puny humans in the tribe, most of whom will be withering away as dehydration and malnourishment settle in, so he'll probably stick around for a long time simply because people will be scared to make him angry by voting him off
• Projected Status: Contender
• Final Status: Voted out #12, fifth on jury

POST-SHOW PROBSTOVICH

I have to admit, I felt a little bad about Big Ted taking the long walk of shame, because I felt that he had played a pretty honest game, not much to criticize. Even with the Ghandia "Grind-Gate" situation, and even with losing the canoe, he still came out pretty much unscathed. But as the numbers dwindle in the game of Survivor, it's not always the nice guys who finish first. Only Ethan gets that kind of editing. But I had another lame column to write, so I had to talk to the Big Guy.

Ultimately, in the game of Survivor you either play or get played and in looking back at how he executed at crucial points in the game, it looks like Ted got played, big time. He ended up being just a pawn in King Brian's plan for world domination. But at least he won a truck, and other lovely parting gifts. Buh-bye now, Ted.

I caught up to Ted at the bottom of the Tribal Council staircase, just a few feet from the boat that would carry him over the Andaman Sea and out of the game forever.

"Hey, Big Ted," I said, "can you spare a few minutes? I've got a couple more questions."

"Sure, Jeff, sure," Ted said.

"Well, maybe, I ought to call you L'il Ted, you lost a lot of weight out here."

Ted said, "I weighed 315 when I began the game and I'm leaving at about 255 pounds."

"Wow," I replied. "You're just a stick figure."

Ted went into the Super Man pose, and flexed his biceps, "See these guns? These guns were cannons. Now they're nine millimeters. I'm like tight-end sized now," he said.

"Mixing gun and football metaphors. Now that's deep Ted," I said. "I think you're almost as skinny as your brother, AlJuan. What was it like seeing him out here?"

"Jeff, my brother and I are extremely close and to see him out there. and for him to share this experience with me is something we can take to our graves together."

"And the guy ate a big, nasty, pus-filled water roach for you," I said, "let's not forget that. In comparison, what was the worst thing you ate while out here on Koh Tarutao?"

"The worse thing I had to eat was that leaf soup that we created on the island and the coconut. For the rest of my days, I know I won't be able to stand coconut because of Survivor, it's totally disgusting," Ted said with a big grimace. "But thank God I didn't have to each a big, nasty cockroach like my brother did."

"But overall, what did you think of this experience?" I asked.

"Jeff,I soaked in the whole experience, and I'm leaving with no regrets," Ted replied.

"No regrets. Come on, this is just me and you Big Ted, no singing and dancing, no cameras. What was really going on inside of Chuay Gahn?"

"We started the game as a family, and we ended the game as a family," he said.

"Dsyfunctional family, don't you mean?" I threw in. "It's hard to tell who betrayed you the worst. Let's tick them off one at at time. Helen..."

"Well, Jeff," Ted began, "with Helen, I established more of a friendship with her."

"But then she turned around and voted against you. What about Jan?"

"I had never spoken to Jan about gameplay," Ted said. "I didn't think Jan was strong enough to accept any proposal I brought her without telling anyone else."

"What about Clay?"

"Clay's a weasel. On the way out, Jake told me Clay had instigated the three votes I got in the previous tribal, and based on his personality and the things that I noted about his characteristics, it doesn't surprise me," Ted said.

"OK," I said, "so you're in this family, but, pardon the pun, you're really the black sheep of the family. What about Brian? How did he fit in?"

Ted said, "In the case of Chuay Gahn I viewed my position as the CEO. I set the mission, I kept us focused and I basically led the team more in a background way, whereas Brian was the President of Chuay Gahn, the more visible leader."

"Looks like the the company's about to go bankrupt, now that the CEO is out," I said. And I swore Ted was starting to get pissed at that moment. "OK, changing subjects ... nice truck you won, eh?"

"Yes, Jeff, I can't complain about the truck."

"Don't you think Brian basically handed it to you," I said, "I mean, after I forced him to yell the answer out loud? And you didn't even thank him?"

Ted replied, "To use an analogy from football, when a quarterback throws an interception and the defensive back picks off the ball and runs to the endzone for a touchdown, the defensive back doesn't go to the quarterback and say, 'Thank you for the interception.'"

"Score one truck for you. But don't you think you should have taken Brian with you, to get a massage together," I said, "I mean, in a straight way."

"No, Helen, saved me in one of the other immunity challenges, and I wanted to thank her," Ted said.

"But then you got a little drunk. A wee-little tipsy, right?"

"Jeff, my body was drunk, but my mind was clear," Ted said, with a wink.

"OK, just a few more questions. When Ken and Jake came over to your camp, they had a problem with the cave. Ken said it smelled like under the boardwalk at Coney Island. Where you taking a leak in the cave?"

"No, I didn't pee in the cave." Ted started laughing. He said, "I, as everyone else, peed in our bathroom area, so when Sook Jai moved over, no way in the world would I move into someone else's house and put my bed in their bathroom without asking if that was the bathroom."

"Well, that makes sense," I said, "who moves into the bathroom?"

Ted said, "That's what I'm talking about."

"Did you have a strategy coming in?"

"I just came into the game with my own strategy," Ted said. "But in my research of strategies that may or may not work I looked at Ethan, I looked at Vecepia, Colby and Tina, people who ended up being the winners. I guess it didn't work for me."

"OK, so Ted, I'm actually a little surprised to see you go. You played such an honest game. Now be truthful with me, don't you think Brian and Helen backstabbed you?"

Ted took a deep breath, scratched his head, and let out some of his patented wails, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Ooooooooooh! Awwwwwwwww!"

"Well Ted, I'm sorry to see you go, but it is time for you to go!"

"Be good baby." He grabbed my hand and held it between us. "Survivor on three ... one, two, three --"

"SURVIVOR!" we both shouted. Ted was a football player to the end! Too bad the game of Survivor didn't have the same clear-cut rules as a simple game like football, because he had made it to the red-zone, but he wasn't able to score.

Then he boarded the boat and was gone.

And once again, my fifteen Probstovich minutes were over, and I was headed home until the series finale. And now that we're at the end game, things are about to get very, very complicated. Who will be voted out next and who will earn the title of Sole Survivor? What do you think? Please comment.

UP NEXT: Three's Company ... and much more!

Copyright © 2002 Lawrence Green