BJP: Snake Jake Slithers Away

Jake Billingsley, the well-weathered 60-year-old land broker and self-proclaimed ladies man from Texas, became the eleventh Castaway™ voted out of Survivor:Thailand. He also became the fourth member of the all Sook Jai jury, a fact that no doubt deflated his competitive spirit. After all, he was responsible for putting together the so-called "Dream Team," only to watch it disintegrate in a maelstrom of in-fighting, raw betrayal, and straight up pagonging at the hands of the older, wiser Chuay Gahn tribe, right before his very eyes.

PRE-SHOW ODDS

Jake
10-1

• Type: Landlord
• Fitness: He hunts, he camps, he conquers, he shoots, he scores; this will be like a walk in the woods for Jake, and he does that too, because he backpacks as well
• Style: Marlboro Man 2002
• X-Factor: His problems will begin when he has to actually interact with the MTV-generation tribe members, and that's when it will all hit the fan for him, unless he pretends to know something about Eminem or Jay-Z
• Projected Status: Pre-Merge Boot
• Final Status: Voted out #11, fourth on jury

POST-SHOW PROBSTOVICH

Well, as I settled comfortably into Jeff's head for another fifteen minutes of Being Probstovich, I felt a little bit of sadness for Old Man River, uh, Jake. It turned out that he wasn't such a bad guy after all. He wrote letters to his wife. He cried. He took a verbal beating from that little runt, sorry -- diamond in the rough -- Clay, like a man.

He picked a team that he thought would dominate the game, and instead he found himself as the head of a supremely dysfunctional family. Kids today. What are you going to do? Jake said he picked people who had that "gleam in their eyes." If he meant the gleam in their eyes from the flames of their Tribal Council torches being snuffed out, then his picks were flawless.

Jake got the dubious nickname "The Snake," because he slithered from one Chuay Gahn member to another, trying to sweet talk his way into three more days. But you can't blame him, because in the end the cards were completely stacked against him. He was an adventurous soul who told tall tales and just got outlasted, outplayed, and outwitted. I caught him, as usual, at the end of Tribal Council pier, just about to board the boat that would take him out of the game forever.

"Hey Jake, hold it a second. I have a few more questions," I said.

"Sure Jeff," Jake replied. "I'm kinda sad to be leaving. I wanted to win the whole thing. I was looking forward to a little retirement income."

"Well, it's the game, only one can be the Sole Survivor™," I said.

"Jeff, I tried to create a stir, but it just didn't take."

"So, what happened to the Dream Team?"

"I got a crew that was totally enthusiastic and ready to go, but they knew nothing," Jake said.

"When Jan picked her Chuay Gahn team, what was your initial thought?"

"I didn't know what Jan was thinking," Jake said. "I like to see ath-a-letic looking people. So I based picking my team on athleticism and just that gleam in their eye that they were going to be there for the duration."

"Did you see any problems early on?" I asked.

"We didn't realize that we were paddling the boat backwards," Jake said. "That should have been my first clue."

"And now your tribe is on the outside looking in," I said.

"But we do have a majority on the jury," Jake responded. "That means something."

"Sure it does," I said. "No one from Sook Jai is going to win it."

"We didn't really know how to work it," Jake admitted.

"Do you think the 'fake merge' was the straw that broke Sook Jai's back?" I asked. "After all, you went in tied with Chuay Gahn 5-5, and then it all fell apart. How did you feel when you came back to camp after voting off Shii Ann?"

"I wasn't happy with being there," Jake said.

"Why?" I asked

"Because I wasn't happy with getting home that late."

"What was it really like, living in camp as two tribes, before the delayed merge finally took place?" I asked.

"You know Jeff, it's a game and it's filled with lies, and we have to accept that," Jake replied.

"Did you lie?"

"I had nothing to lose," Jake replied. "I kept trying to focusing on how I was playing the game. I think my performance stands up to everyone in the tribe and probably better than most."

"When Penny, who was in alliance with you, snuffed your torch out in that immunity challenge, didn't you just want to reach out and smack her across the cheek and say 'What are you doing, b*tch!'"

"I didn't know what her deal was," Jake said. "But a million dollars as opposed to nothing is a pretty big reason to turn on something regardless of how much you like them."

"But the fact that she betrayed you so openly, that had to sting?" I said.

"When you think they're conniving against you, here's what you gotta do: you say to yourself, man those people like me. Look they're over there talking about me."

"When you went over to Ted and told him about the three votes, why didn't you tell him that Clay instigated those votes?" I asked.

"Because I could sit here and get voted off or I could stir up something and try to get further, and I didn't want to blow my wad in one shot. And to be honest, Jeff, my feet were blistered all to heck."

"I noticed you kept a notebook, and that you wrote something in it everyday. What were you writing?"

"I was just kinda jotting down what I'm doing here. It's kinda like a letter to my wife. In fact it was a letter to my wife. There's a lot of kinda of 'I miss you' stuff rolled into it. I wrote things like, 'You can't believe what we're eating out here. Some of the nastiest-looking critters you've ever seen actually taste really good."

"You really missed her, huh?" I asked.

"My wife Jenny is a lady who's ready to take on the world. She loves hearing stuff like that," Jake said.

"Then how did you feel when she came through those trees and showed up for the Gross Food Challenge™? I thought you were crying."

"Cryin's good for you."

"Did watching your wife Jenny eat nasty bugs, just to spend 24 hours with you, only strengthen your love for her, or did it gross you out?" I asked.

"Well Jeff, as I've said before, it's a game filled with lies, and I wouldn't be truthful if I told you that I found her more beautiful as she wolfed down ants, cock-a-roaches, and spiders," Jake said. "But she's my soul mate, and one of the all-time good ones as far as that goes."

"By then, you had to know that you were going to be voted off, right?"

"I had done everything I could to try and ooch my way into the Final Four. I knew it wasn't over until the fat lady sings, but I sure as heck heard her warming up." Jake replied.

"And it didn't bother you?"

"Jeff, my feet were blistered all to heck. It's been an incredible experience for me. I'm looking forward to a close shave, a nice, hot shower, and a tall, stiff drink."

"Well, Jake," I began, "you've received your wish. You were a gamer and you tried your best. And at least you're leaving with a renewed love for your wife."

"Thanks Jeff. When one door closes, another one opens," Jake said.

"It's time for you to go."

I shook his hand, and off he went.

And like that, my fifteen Probstovich minutes were over, and I was headed home until next week. Now that we're at the end game, things are about to get very, very complicated. Who will be voted out next and who will earn the title of Sole Survivor?

UP NEXT: The Final Four

Copyright © 2002 Lawrence Green