BJP: Who T.F. Are You, Erin?

Erin Collins, the young real estate agent from Austin, Texas became the eighth person booted out of Survivor:Thailand, and the first person on the jury. Her "A-to-Z" strategy mixed equal parts of "Amber" (Survivor:Outback), "Zoe" (Survivor:Marquesas) and her own personality -- or lack thereof -- to come up with a combination that was slightly more interesting than watching paint dry on a hot summer day. But at least the paint was a pretty color. Somewhere, Machiavelli is groaning.

PRE-SHOW ODDS

Erin
9-1

• Type: Home Wrecker
• Fitness: Self-avowed entertainer, athlete, and exhibitionist -- in that order
• Style: Ooops, I did it again
• X-Factor: There's at least two big reasons why Erin will be seen as an asset around camp, by at least half of the tribe
• Projected Status: Contender
• Final Status: Voted out #8, first on jury

POST-SHOW PROBSTOVICH

Erin was a self-proclaimed entertainer, athlete, and exhibitionist. While she was perhaps the most athletic female contestant on the show -- for instance, she stayed underwater longer than even a tough NYPD cop -- she was far from entertaining. Of course, had she lived up to the exhibitionist part, like Stephanie for instance, that would have taken care of everything. Just ask Clay. Put another way, if Erin was exciting on the show, then this ill-conceived web column is funny and profound. Er, uh, hmmmmm. And, well ... um, let's not go there. For goodness sakes, it's a non-paying, moonlightling gig by a formerly die-hard Survivor fan whose interest is seeping out of this particular edition of the show quicker than you can say: "Penny and Ted are the Final Two, and they do yoga together on their last day on Koh Tarutao beach."

I caught her on the staircase that lead down to the boat that would usher her out of the game. I had just one question for her: "Who are you, Erin Collins?"

She wiped the crocodile tears away from her eyes, "I'm a real estate agent from Austin, Texas ..."

I cut her off, "Erin, the question was rhetorical. Look, no one is more shocked than me that you were booted. I don't think a bad thing was said about you the whole time out here."

"That's right, Jeff," Erin said. "All I tried to do was bring harmony to the tribe, because it was hard enough out there with the elements and the food situation. That's why I got rid of Jed, Stephanie, Robb, and Shii Ann."

"So, how big are they, really?" I asked, quickly glancing below her neckline.

"How big are what?" Erin replied, winking.

"Uh," I tugged on my collar sheepishly, like a new-age Rodney Dangerfiled, "The knives that were stabbed in your back?"

"They were more like swords," Erin responsed.

"What exactly was your strategy, since you clearly didn't see these swords coming?" I asked.

Erin thought about it for a second. "To work hard. To not cause any problems. To be a good team player. To display absolutely no ability to plot, scheme, and think for myself, in a game where there will only be one sole survivor. I just wanted to be on the team."

"Have you ever met Zoe Zanadakis, from the Marquesas cast?" I asked.

Erin responded, "No, but people tell me I resembled that guy ... in the way I played the game, that is."

"Did you ever think that your pep talk with Jake would go over as well as it did? After all, he got over his sadness quick enough to toss you onto the jury." I asked.

"We knew this day would come Jeff, where we'd have to break up the Final Four of Sook Jai, and this is what I got. It really should have been someone else, like Penny. They all lied to me!"

"So," I began, "Shii Ann was right. Penny manipulated everything."

"Well, even though the best time I had out there was when I voted off Shii Ann, in hindsight maybe I should have listened to her. It was her table manners. I just couldn't get her slurping those chicken necks out of my head." Erin shrugged and said, "At least I made the jury, and that was my number one goal."

I scratched my head and said, "So, now that it's all over, why did you really want to be on the show, if you didn't plan on taking home the big prize?"

"What I really wanted to do was come out to Thailand and get some of those seasoned grubs like we had during the food auction. That's what we call Texas Sushi, boy. I've searched the world over for them. It's been a minor quest of mine, Jeff."

"Great taste?"

"Yes. And less filling."

"Thanks Erin, you have been a good sport, see you on the reunion show. It's time for you to go, again."

And like that, my fifteen Probstovich minutes were over, and I was headed home until next week. Who will be voted out next, just so I can rag on them before they leave for good?

Oh, and one other thing about Erin: they might not be real, but trust me on this, they're spectacular.

UP NEXT: 9 Faces of Loser's Lodge

Copyright © 2002 Lawrence Green