BJP: Dude, Where's My B(B)rain?

Robb Zbacnik, the Gen-XGames bartender from Arizona, finally kicked the good ol' Tribal Council™ bucket when he became the sixth person voted out of "Survivor:Thailand." To the legions of diehard fans, those who continue to watch "Survivor" and keep the show's ratings in the weekly Top Ten, all that can be said about Robb's boot out of the tribe is: "What took you morons so long?"

PRE-SHOW ODDS

Robb
14-1

• Type: Motley Crüe
• Fitness: They invented "Survivor," bungee jumping, snowboarding, and the X-Games for thrill-seeking guys like this ... he's in his element
• Style: Dude ...where's my car?
• X-Factor: His key is to find a way to use his luxury item skateboard for good and not harm -- what would Tony Hawk do?
• Projected Status: Pre-Merge Boot
• Final Status: Voted out #6 (Pre-merge)

POST-SHOW PROBSTOVICH

Apparently, the answer to that question -- What took you morons so long? -- is summed up in one word: K-K-Ken! But that's another story, for another time, like maybe next episode, when Ken takes the long walk of shame.

For now, however, I have to get back to Robb, Suck Joy's erstwhile bad boy, who showed us that when all is done and said, beneath all of the body-piercings, and tattoos, and beneath that "hi-energy" X-Games bravado, he's exactly who he told you he was: a happy-go-lucky kid (emphasis on "kid"). He's actually going on 23, but don't tell him that his Chucky Cheese Lifetime Pass is no longer valid.

I found him on the Tribal Council dock, actually waiting to talk to me.

"Hey, Jeff, bro. I got something else to say, dude."

I said, "Go on."

"First, dude, show me your hands."

I played along. "What do you see?"

"An artist's hands. Nicely kept. Clean. Manicured. Well-hydrated. What do you use ... cocoa butter?"

"What?" I said.

"You see, Jeff, while I was out here, I finally figured out what it all means, and what I want to do with my life. I had to come out to Thailand just to find it out."

"Find out, what?"

"That I want to be a manicurist. Who knew?"

"Oh boy!"

"It was when we were buildin' the shelter, dude, like after we had been climbing the trees, and I asked Shii Ann to show me her hands. And you know what Shii Ann did?"

"She didn't show you her hands?"

"Right! But because of that, I started to take an interest in people's hands without them noticing it. And that's when I fell in love with the raw beauty of the human hand." Robb sighed. "It's almost like God meant for me to come out here to Thailand, and meet a recruiter from New York, who would actually give me a totally killer career tip, even by accident!"

"Robb, forget about Jan and her baby bats, you're losing it, homes."

"Excuse me, bro?"

"I said: you're losing it. You don't know anything about hands!"

"Sometimes, I'd mix equal parts of Erin's body oils with coconut milk to come up with a hand lotion that hydrated the skin while providing sunblock as well as insect repellant. I discovered this through trial and error. All because I was on the show, dude!"

"But Robb," I started, "with this interest in people's hands did you see who's hand at Sook Jai was holding the knife that stabbed you in the back?"

"Too hard to tell," he replied. "They all had knives, in both hands."

"Great game, eh?"

Robb smiled his dumb smile. I could tell that he still didn't 'get it,' he still didn't understand what the game was really all about. Or that it was really over.

And it wasn't the time for him to learn or me to teach. It was just time ...

"It's time for you to go, bro!" I said.

"Much love, dude," Robb replied.

"That's a fact, Jack," I said.

"Bitchin' dude."

"Gotta go! Gotta go!"

"Later dog."

"Peace!"

"Out!"

"Robb! Just leave already!" I finished.

Once again, my fifteen Probstovich minutes were over, and I was on my way back home until next week. Who will be voted out next, just so I can rag on them before they leave for good?

Copyright © 2002 Lawrence Green