BJP: Dr. Jed Nets A Goose Egg

Jed Hildebrandt, erstwhile dental student, future Hollywood wannabee, and third CastAway™ to be voted out of Survivor:Thailand, proved the old adage, "Beauty is as beauty does." But when beauty didn't do jack, except lay around the beach, sleep underneath the house, and lose valuable food-gathering supplies, things got ugly, faster than you can say, "Gee, let's sandbag the Immunity Challenge." For probably the first time in his life, Jed's good looks and perfect smile couldn't save his narrow ass. He was the first Suck Joy (pron. Sook Jai) member to leave the game, but hopefully he won't be the last, dude. Just show me your hands.

PRE-SHOW ODDS

Jed
9-2

• Type: Consensus All American
• Fitness: His background is overstocked with enough athletic interests and travel experiences for three or four dozen Survivor applicants, sheesh!
• Style: Golden Boy
• X-Factor: If he proves to be wholesome and not some cocky bastard who thinks he's better than everyone else, he can move up; he just needs to get over himself
• Projected Status: Contender
• Final Status: Voted out #3

POST-SHOW PROBSTOVICH

I wanted to let Jed have a final word before he boarded the boat that would take him out of the game forever.

But I just didn't feel like it.

Okay, call me lazy, but my priorities at the moment seemed to be a little out of whack. I spent all this time thinking up a theme for the column, then I found my Probstovich self with no motivation to chase Jed down and talk to him, because the Suck Joys had just voted out one of my early favorites. But it was my duty, gifted with these few precious moments inside Jeff Probst's head, to accost him and find out what he really thought about leaving the game so soon. So I caught him at the end of the Tribal Council pier.

"Hey, Jed, don't take it bad. You took a sad tribe and made them better." I couldn't tell for sure, but in the dwindling light, it seemed like he flipped me the bird. "Hey, wait up."

"Oh, hey, Jeff, " he said, pretending to be stoked.

"So, you're leaving and all, but I just wanted to ask you a few more questions. It seemed to me that you were a little surprised about the vote. What's going on?"

"Well, yeah," Jed said. "But you'll probably think it's frivolous."

"Nah, not me," I said. "Shoot!"

"I left without getting a chance to tell Stephanie where I hid the fishing net."

"Duh! You hid the fishing net?"

"Yeah, it was supposed to be a little joke. I guess it backfired."

I nodded my head in disdain. "What, are you taking joke lessons from Pastor John over at Chewy Gone? How did you think this joke would have played out?"

Jed pushed back the brim of his Crocodile Dundee hat and said, "Well, there was this rumor that I was lazy --"

I cut him off, "Excuse me? Rumor? Jed, we have hours and hours of tape that shows you just sitting around goofing off on the beach. Of course, we have hours and hours of everyone doing that, but that's besides the point. Since we haven't cast any twenty-something African American males this season, and they'd automatically get the 'lazy' tag, someone had to carry on the tradition. Somewhere out there Gervace and Nick Brown are giving you some dapp you kid."

"Cool, it's like being in a fraternity," Jed responded.

"So, what about this jake, er, joke?"

"Well, I figured, since everyone -- except Stephanie and Robb -- already thought I was lazy, if I 'lost' the fishing net, and then suddenly 'found' it later, I'd get brownie points and get back in good with the gang." Jed said. "After all, I was the one who saved their butts in the immunities."

"So what happened?"

"Well ... I overslept, and by the time I woke up it was time for Tribal Council," he sighed. "End of story."

"And end of you."

"Yeah."

"Well," I said, "maybe it's better this way. While the rest of your former tribesmates are starving out here in the monsoons, I'm sure they'll be thinking of you."

"But they'll be thinking that I'm a lazy bum," he said.

"Well if the shoe fits ..."

Jed scratched his head and flashed that colgate smile. "And then they'll be eating snails for a few more weeks and start dropping like flies." He started laughing hysterically. Stick a fork in him, he was done.

"It's time, again, Jed. It's time for you to go."

My fifteen Probstovich minutes were over, and I was on my way back home until next week. Who will be voted out next, just so I can rag on them before they leave for good?

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Copyright © 2002 Lawrence Green