BJP: Tennessee Tanya Chucks Out

Tanya Vance, the young social worker, affectionately known by her Chuay Gahn tribesmates as "Tennessee (All Over My) Tuxedo" became the second victim of "Survivor:Thailand's" brutal island politics. Everyone said it was because Tanya was sick from dehydration, but let's face it, she was just too nice to last very long living amongst a group of snakes, back-stabbers and double-dealers. I found that hard-to-swallow, but it was the truth.

PRE-SHOW ODDS

Tanya

7-1

• Type: Girl Next Door
• Fitness: Long-distance running skills got her a scholarship to college and give her endurance, tenacity, and athlete's foot
• Style: Southern Belle
• X-Factor: Because she appears too sweet and gullible, her only hope is to be protected by a stronger, meaner tribemate, who'll just stab her in the back later
• Projected Status: Contender
• Final Status: Voted out #2

POST-SHOW PROBSTOVICH

And it should be noted that at no time during two episodes were we ever give a definitive reason as to why she made the show in the first place: most of the footage that starred dear Tanya featured her forcibly expelling food or water from her lovely gullett. But in classic EPMB ("Executive Producer Mark Burnett") style, Tanya left the game with her head held high, blowing kisses of death to the very schemers who waxed about how much they loved her, only to vote her out in the next breath. Now that's tough to stomach.

Since so much airtime focused on Tanya's digestive problems, I wanted to give her a final chance to leave the game with a good taste in her mouth, as it were. I caught up with her on the Tribal Council jetty, just before she boarded the boat that would take her out of the game forever. "Hi Jeff!" she said, still looking a little buzzed, like a cooter on moonshine whiskey.

"Hi Tanya, I'm so glad I caught you. I didn't want to blow my chance to ask you a few more questions before you left."

"Sure Jeff. Go right ahead. Ah got nothing but time, and a little bit of yesterday's breakfast, on my hands." She smiled, but I could tell that she was still a little sick. Her stomach was probably still queasy.

"Great." I scratched my head, unsure where to start. "So Tanya, how about a nice greasy pork sandwich, served in a dirty ashtray?"

"Oh, Jeff, Ah think Ah'm gonna --" SPEWWWWWWW! HOOOOOOORK! She popped all over the deck. "Excuse me."

"Whoah, sorry about that Tanya." I handed her a barf bag. "This game takes cast-iron guts. You have to drink in the whole experience. But you can't just go spitting it all out. You said you had no idea it would be so hard out here. But you saw previous CastAways™ eat rats in Pulau Tiga, get their water from an elephant's latrine in Africa, and eat slimy mollusks scraped from the bottom of rocks in Marquesas. How about some squid tentacles smothered with oyster juice and wrapped in day-old sea kelp?"

HOOOOOOORK! SPEWWWWWWW!

"Aren't you glad you got voted out before the traditional Nasty Food Challenge? Couldn't you just go for some nice, juicy sandworm larvae, soaked overnight in fly-encrusted fish sauce?

HOOOOOOORK! SPEWWWWWWW!

"Okay, I'll stop asking food questions," I said.

"Yes, please Jeff, no more food," Tanya said. "Ah already lost ma lunch and ma dinner. Ah got no more meals left today."

I patted her on the shoulder. "Okay. How about this one? When you first saw the cute, rabid monkey in the tree at Chuay Gahn -- you know, after Ted stopped singing about steak, mashed potatoes, and rasperry iced tea -- what was your first reaction, to the monkey, that is?"

"Well," Tanya began, wiping her mouth, "at first, Ah wondered how Clay had climbed all the way up the tree. Then Ah realized it was a real monkey, and we called it Magilla. Excuse me --" HOOOOOOORK! SPEWWWWWWW! "Ah was just thinking about Clay. His snoring sounded like he was blowing into a barrel of monkeys."

"If you had to, could you have taken Clay in a wrestling match?"

"Oh, Ah definitely would have smoked Clay in wrasslin'."

"Did Brian try to make any slick moves on you, you know he's been in porno movies?"

"No, Brian was like a big brother to me. Him making slick moves on me, Oh ma God, Jeff ... that's disgusting! --" SPEWWWWWWW! HOOOOOOORK!

"I'm so sorry, Tanya, I won't go there," I said, trying to change gears. "So what will be your best memory of Thailand, Tanya?"

HOOOOOOORK! SPEWWWWWWW! "Oh man, Ah think Ah just coughed up a hairball."

"So what was your basic strategy going into the game?"

HOOOOOOORK! SPEWWWWWWW!

"Okay." I knew what was coming next, but I had to ask anyway: "So Tanya, is there anything America didn't learn about you on the show? Anything they didn't see of you on the show?"

HOOOOOOORK! SPEWWWWWWW!

"I think it's time for you to go ... and quickly. Get some rest, and antacid. See you on the reunion show."

And just like that, my fifteen Probstovich minutes were over one more time.

UP NEXT: Three's Company, Loser's Lodge Style

Copyright © 2002 Lawrence Green